I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
