I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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