she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
