I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
