if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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