I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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