apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
