The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
