R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
