I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
