the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She just used a chaser for red wine.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
