apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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