I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
