Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
