You don't have asthma, your pregnant
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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