Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
