so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
