What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
