i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
