Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
