Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
