UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
