Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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