don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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