i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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