Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm at about main and main street
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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