Your face is a jimmy john
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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