put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
