my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
