I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
