my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
