And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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