Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
