I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
