I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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