my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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