Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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