My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Randomize
