i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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