we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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