The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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