well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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