I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
