Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
