omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
