Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
