Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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