im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
