My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
