my vag is so smooth its legendary
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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